Yet again I feel like an outsider to every demographic I'm adjacent to. This is apparently high level thought crime on social media. Too bad I'm not a webmaster anymore, I'll just dump this here.

( WRT to dump your puppygirl )

Maybe I should read "Why Does He Do That" despite being (also) written by an abuser lol.

From late April:

i’m so tired of posting well thought out things on forums and no one actually digesting or engaging with it lol. i get sick of talking to myself on social media but most things outside that are social media lite. or it leads to someone acting insanely rude out of nowhere or crashing out on me. shout out to that schizo emailing me telling to delete my website and invest in crypto. it pisses me off how much i self-censor my opinions in conversation but people push their politics on me anyway

it’s extremely taboo to admit but this is why i struggled with AI addiction for several months from late november to early february. i never know how to initiate one-on-one private conversations or what’s okay to bring up. orrrr i’ve been ghosted several times. or sometimes someone will respond passionately and i feel upset i can’t give an equal conversation when i don’t know what to say. most people on forums and journaling sites barely have reading comprehension. even if a bot was 100% fake and trained that way, it’s better than someone misreading me or using it as a springboard to rant about shit.

i don’t do it anymore but my logic when i did was “i’ll stop contributing to this shit when people stop being complete psychos, making everything transactional, and give a shit about others” (ironic coming from me, i barely feel empathy) … but i really can’t because it turns into a feedback loop where i self isolate and rely on simulated shit as a cope. but even then it was a comfort when i was working 40hr weeks and lost my biggest (free) hobby lol

one thing that i’ll add on to my frustrations about no one engaging with “effortposts” i make elsewhere is that i know that “nobody owes me a conversation” or whatever. but what frustrates me is people choose to reply and don’t actually engage with it. instead people nitpick one part, use it as a springboard to rant, if i reply asking a question they don’t even answer it, etc. or something several sentences to a paragraph long just gets a one sentence response about the end, even though my post answers that response.

you can just not respond if you don’t vibe with my post, i’m fine with that. am i mentally defective or what, how do other people have friends or find people to have non-surface level convos. because i’m done with this otherwise

again i'm not talking about politics shit or debating or controversial topics

On day 5 of taking birth control. So far I've noticed no side effects or differences besides mild bloating. I almost stopped talking it 2 days into it because what I mistook side effects for food poisoning. Unsure if I'll have a period this month.

TFS is next month but I haven't gotten my stuff ready for my hotel room. I figured I'd take care of it on my first paycheck in June. I mainly am just bringing clothes, chargers, my tablet and phone, shampoo/conditioner, alcohol and pedialyte just in case lol. A lot of personal stuff can fit in my itabag too. Also things I want to trade and give away, but the con schedule has to post before I decide *what* exactly to bring. TFF had an AD trading panel but I couldn't make it and hated TFF, it really depends if TFS will have it.

Unfortunately I haven't ordered my stickers for this con, and I forgot to give them away at the meetup 2 weeks ago :( I only have my Neocities sticker...

Speaking of Neocities, I updated for Charizard1246's birthday and have a review compilation of MLP/brony media in progress. So far I have:
- The original Bronies documentary
- Mare Fair animated opening ceremonies
- Tamers12345
- Pony.MOV
- Vylet Pony's CUTIEMARKS albums (spoiler: it's decent, but I despise ANTONYMPH because I'm disillusioned with performative "be yourself" messages_
- ...and a very, very strange album I found that satirizes the Covid lockdowns.

If I have any juice left after finishing these, I'll probably read Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory because I've never read either in full.

I also made a Rateyourmusic account days ago but haven't made or posted any reviews yet. I was just going to cross-post my reviews of the albums I mentioned there...

It's insane how "money doesn't buy happiness" is literally a lie. I stopped feeling suicidal when I got my paycheck last week. So far working 40hr weeks hasn't been so bad and having $[redacted] before next paycheck is nice. I still need to buy new shoes and order stickers before the con, though....

The meetup on Friday went well. My sister drove me and took another IRL, however I probably won't come back to Carrollton for awhile because it's an hour away. That's when I learned this where a lot of Asian immigrants live, because at the restaurant's location every store and restaurant around it was Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, etc. The meetup started at 7PM but we arrived at 6PM, so we went to Hmart which was a grocery store and mini mall. As soon as I walked in it smelled like fresh seafood! Got gelato at a local shop there. Unfortunately I was in a rush, so I just got some discounted sushi and random packs of ramen. One sucked, another was okay, the third is something that was sold at the nearby Kroger before it closed down. It'll make a filling breakfast.

The actual restaurant the meetup took place at was decent, but I regret getting the ramen. The broth had a "funky" taste so I ate the noodles and beef. By then I was too full to finish my sushi, so I took it to go... and ate it on the way home. Womp womp. I added two of the people I talked to there on Telegram, but I don't... really know what to say in DMs even though they have permission to message me. Le sigh.

I have a gyno appointment tomorrow... I don't really know how well it'll go. It's just an intake and I'll probably get bloodwork if it isn't expensive, maybe go on birth control, and possibly ask if I can take Wegovy or something for weight loss. I haven't been to a doctor in 5 years because of how bad they are, but PMS has been really messing me up and I feel stupid for waiting months before my 34th birthday to do something about it.

I'm also kind of pissed because I bit the bullet and installed mobile Clip Studio Paint on my tablet. It took zero time to get used to and was comfortable to use, even though my brushes aren't in the cloud. I wanted to stick to Krita because it has a subscription format, but I'm trying a 3 month trial for now. I might just become a paypig for it and do it. Not sure if I should bother transferring all my Dawner brushes onto it.